"If there's iced tea in that bag, it could be love"

coley630 @ 2009-09-27T18:00:00

2009-09-27T22:18:44Z

If I could do it all over again, I would attend every single class. I would deactivate my facebook. I would only check my email once in the morning and once at night. I would sit in the quad or near the campus pond or in the student union or in the bartlett lobby more with my books and notebooks and research. I would make more breakfast, lunch, coffee, and dinner dates with my friends. I would never go to the library without a study buddy. I would venture into town and into Northampton more often. I would leave my room more. I would not order so much take-out, opting for the dining hall instead. I would walk up the hill more than I take the bus. I would go to more cool places in the area. I would have been a better RA senior year. I would seek help for feeling depressed and anxious much sooner. I would write that paper for George Wade, even after he let it slide, just to show that I was dedicated to my studies in his class. I would have attended more floor events freshman year. I would leave my door open more. I would be kinder to and more understanding of my roommates. I would be more outgoing. I wouldn't mope so much about not being attached. I would choose to be more optimistic and confident. I would take pictures every day. I would be less critical of myself and more open to my options in terms of classes, majors, extracurriculars, and living spaces. I would fight my shyness and say hi to more people, as not to come across as snobby. I would take more pride in the work that I do. I would take some business classes and an art class. I would not stay in on the weekends. I would challenge myself intellectually and personally every single day.

I would have embraced every little piece of me, because college passed too fucking fast. I miss it every day, and all of you who are still there should do everything you can to make it the most memorable chunk of time in your life.

Then again, maybe I wouldn't change a thing. I am who I am because of what I've done, and I'm proud to stand here on the other side of my experience and call it the most amazing time that I've had. I have amazing friends, I had amazing jobs, and I graduated with a 3.7 GPA. I am one of those people who has insane school pride, and I've never been to a UMass sporting event. I miss everything about it, and I can't wait for the day that I can come back here and have new experiences in a place that offers me more comfort and support than any other place in the entire world.

coley630 @ 2009-08-27T21:35:00

2009-08-28T01:53:56Z

Sorry Ive abandoned LJ for like, 3 months.

I gave my 2 week notice yesterday at my first job. It was horrible. I dont want to even bother with the details here. There were a few redeeming qualities... I will miss some of the girls I worked with quite a bit. It just came down to the fact that I couldn't handle the stress of the job. It was too demanding, and I wasn't feeling very supported by staff. Well, you can't win 'em all, folks. I'm chalking it up to experience and getting on with it :)

Im finding that I love Boston, but I'm not sure it's where I want to be forever. I miss Amherst fiercely, and if I had an opportunity to go back, I would in a heartbeat. However, that would require that I get hired as an ARD, which cant happen, because I (a) am not qualified (aka, am not enrolled as a grad student) and (b) have never submitted an application. However, rumor is that there was just a vacancy that opened tonight. I miss being there. I would give anything to go back to school.

I met a guy named Mike. Things are going all right. We're in that funny unofficial stage that makes me pretty nervous because it means that there's no commitment whatsoever. And that's what I would like, but it's a bit early for that. It's not like Im looking to get married, I just would like the security of a relationship with him. But then again, who's to say it would be secure? Labels don't magically transform anything, I suppose. He's away on business this week, but he'll be back tomorrow. Only time will tell. (I almost deleted that last sentence because it's disgustingly cliche, but I'm gonna preserve it for humor's sake).

My parents want me to move back to Western MA, but I don't think I would do that without being enrolled in a program. At UMass. So I'm currently job searching out here. I've put in a few applications and I've got an interview at a place called the Showa Boston Institute of Language and Culture for a Resident Assistant position. No stipend, but it's a free place to live. And they feed you. And there's a sweet gym and pool. I'll keep you updated on that situation. I guess it comes down to the fact that I am making a few friends out here - having lunch tomorrow with Tammy, a girl who also recently left where I work - and I want to see where things are gonna go with Mike. I am not sure I would have things any better at home, as I would still be in a less-than-ideal living situation, and I would have no social life (except for you, Ashley, and you cant be around 24/7). I would be rent-free, but if Showa works out, then that will be a comparable situation, plus I can maintain my relative freedom. Parents' basement FTL.

I heard some news tonight that makes me a little sad, and makes me wish I could be back in Amherst for a few reasons. Its nothing seriously earth-shattering, but I can't talk about it here right now because it's not "public knowledge". Maybe I'll write about it when it's ok to do so, but it probably really isn't so significant that I'll remember to bother later on, lol.

Im so weird. I want a book to read and an assignment to do. If I could go to school for the rest of my life, I would just do that, and learn everything there is to know.

Currently, this is the game plan: Get a position at Showa, work as a nanny/babysitter to make ends meet (aka, pay loans off and save and have a little bit of fun). Apply for a Masters in Higher Ed at UMass (and maybe a few other places, depending on how I'm feeling come November-ish) as well as a ARD assistantship. Get into the program, get hired. Move back to Amherst in August 2010. Hopefully be in a stable relationship, with whoever is in my life at that point. Boston isn't going anywhere. I can always come back here if I need to. Just like Amherst isn't going anywhere. But I really do miss wearing my Tevas and walking downtown to Bart's and bumming around Northampton and stealing away to Cushman's to get away from everything for a while. My inner hippie needs the woods and a hike up Mt Holyoke or Mt Sugarloaf. I can't wait to go back and visit, and maybe stay.

Anyway, Im feeling a lot more optimistic right now than when I set out to write this. I am going to leave Diesel, go back to Ellie's to pick up my car, and go back to Arlington to clean my room... and maybe pack. I'm telling Anne (my landlord/roommate) that I'm moving out by October 1st. Wow.

It's amazing how the heart is drawn to a particular place and time. I miss college so, so much.

coley630 @ 2009-05-29T18:04:00

2009-05-29T22:06:08Z

My 17 year old sister's boyfriend of one year is coming to meet my parents on Sunday.

This makes me feel intensely inadequate and definitely like I can't get a date.

I dont think I want to be here when he comes, and it is soooo pathetic to be jealous.

I need to find a man.

Briefly

2009-05-29T16:11:24Z

Life Update:
-I graduated
-Totally miss UMass.
-Things with Matt havent be weird! YAY!
-Looking back on it, Residence Life is the biggest shitshow I have ever seen. I was sorting through some of my materials last night and I can't believe I put up with it for that long. It's such a joke.
-I dropped Commonwealth College, and therefore did not write my thesis. I dont remember if I posted that here, but because of it, I feel free.
-My final GPA is a 3.702.
-I am going through a phase where I really, really want a boyfriend.
-I'm already collecting GRE study things, and I cannot wait to go back to school.

BIG NEWS:
-I GOT A JOB - no, THE job! I'm working as a residential counselor at a place called Germaine Lawrence. If you want to know more, go here: http://www.germainelawrence.org (I start June 8)
-IM MOVING TO ARLINGTON, MA (June 4)

As a result:
-my life is in shambles. I am actually moving out of my parents house completely, storing the rest of everything, and becoming a Real Adult (scary). That means that everything I own is currently on my bedroom floor. Overwhelming!
-I am sharing a bungalow with a woman named Ann (who is a legitimate cat lady, lol). She's an older woman, who has 2 playful cats and lives alone otherwise. Her hobbies include gardening, birdwatching, and volunteering at a local animal shelter. She's a bit scattered, and seems very timid and a little socially awkward, but I think she'll be okay. It's a short-term solution - probably no longer than 6 months to a year, and the price is right - I can live there and pay rent and buy food and pay my car insurance and actually save some money and pay off my student loans with the paltry salary that I'll be making (a bit more than $26,000/year to start).
-I will be walking and riding my bike EVERYWHERE. I am less than a mile from work, about a half a mile from the center of town where there are all these cute little shops, less than a mile from the grocery store, and less than 2 miles from the library. I have to look at maps, but I'm pretty sure I can walk to wherever I need to catch a bus to get to the T station as well. Which means I can keep my POS car, as it will only be needed to go to the gym (which is about a 15 minute drive away), to drive to work on really crappy days (like, raining hard), and to leave town to come back home.

In honor of my new life:
-I am thinking of starting a new LJ. Don't worry, I'll definitely let you guys know where you can find me. Let me know if you want to know!
-I've devised a workout regimen and food plan. I havent decided if that's going to be part of my new blog or if I'm going to create a separate space for that. If anyone has healthy, cheap, yummy recipes or food suggestions for one, please let me know! (Erica, I'm definitely going to be looking back on that entry where your f-list gave you all those lunch suggestions, but any discoveries that you've made would be great).
-I am sorting through my belongings and separating them into 4 piles: (1) OMG I NEED THIS AND IT MUST COME WITH ME; (2) OMG I LOVE THIS BUT IT CAN STAY HERE; (3) OMG SOMEONE LESS FORTUNATE THAN I AM CAN BENEFIT FROM THIS, DONATE!; and (4) OMG TRAAAASH. It's quite the system. Hopefully I can get rid of some of the excess
-I am going to use Amazon gift certificates and buy a new digital camera. I want to take a lot of pictures.

I need to go tackle my packing process.

Last question:
For those of you who have moved, what are some tips that you have? Either about settling into a new places, things that I should know that you never would have considered? I know it's sort of a strange, random question, but transitions can be hard for me, so I want to be as prepared as possible.

coley630 @ 2009-03-21T18:51:00

2009-03-21T22:55:54Z

I cant bring myself to do any of my work that's due this week. Including my thesis draft.

I just cant. I dont know why. I dont know where this apathy is coming from. I just dont want to do it anymore. Im TIRED, damnit. I want to just curl up in a ball and be done wtih it. 6 and a half more weeks is too short of a time and too long of a time all combined into one hectic mess of life. I want to lay in my bed and pull the covers over my head and make it all pass. I cant do anything right now. It's all too overwhelming.

I applied for 3 jobs over break, and am attempting to apply for the fourth. I have no idea where to meet people. I want to meet guys. I feel so fucking alone right now.

Im going to clean the house like my parents wanted me to do while they were gone, and clean the birds' cages, and get my room in order. Then maybe I'll finish my other job application and start on my thesis.

Im having a lot of trouble functioning right now. I didnt do a damned thing all day, except for eat crappy-for-you foods and shower. I'm in a rut, and I need to snap out of it.

coley630 @ 2009-03-15T22:44:00

2009-03-16T02:45:11Z

Jason Mraz is so freaking hot. I would have his babies in 2 seconds. (yes I know hes "old", but in this case, "hot" trumps all)

coley630 @ 2009-03-11T22:10:00

2009-03-12T02:11:48Z

As I sit here thinking about where I was 4 years ago, I draw a blank. High school seems like it was so long ago that it was more of a dream than an experience.

In 4 years, will I think back on my UMass years the same way?

I hate this emotional roller coaster I have about graduating.

coley630 @ 2009-03-01T15:35:00

2009-03-01T20:39:28Z

The flicker of the campfire, the wind in the pines
The stars in the heavens, the moon that shines
A place where people gather, make friends of all kinds
A place where all my troubles are always left behind

So give me the light of a campfire, warm and bright
And give me some friends to sing with, I'll be here all night
Love is where you find it; I've found mine right here
Just you and me and the campfire and songs we love to hear

I want to go back to camp and be surrounded by people who love and understand me unconditionally.

before I attempt my all-nighter

2009-02-25T00:22:09Z

A quick update, because it was pointed out to me that today, indeed, is Mardi Gras. And although I do not currently practice any type of religion, I think that I will give up the following for Lent, as it is a time for fasting and self-reflection:

-Ice Cream
-Fast Food
-Chocolate
-Soda (!)

So getting a chocolate milk shake from McDonalds is DEFINTIELY out, hah. I tried to give up soda for the new year, and lasted 3 weeks. I am ready now for the 40 day challenge!

Im hoping that this means that by Easter I will be a bit healthier and more motivated about life.

:)

Someday I will find the time to tell you really what is going on in my life. But today isnt looking so hot. Maybe this weekend after Lizzy and Cam come to visit!

ETA: also alcohol. Oh man. I'm not gonna have anything to do but go to the gym and write my thesis and spam you poor souls with updates.

coley630 @ 2009-02-22T23:59:00

2009-02-23T05:00:41Z

Im ready to go KILL the RA who lives above me for blasting his music at midnight.

I. WILL. NOT. MISS. THIS.

Will update soon! xox

coley630 @ 2009-02-07T19:41:00

2009-02-08T00:58:52Z

In some ways, today might have been one of my most ideal Saturdays.

If we were to start at the same time that the day technically started, you'd have found me at the bus stop near the Bank of America cubicle with Melissa, giggling, resting happily at various levels of intoxication. It was cold - freezing - and we were dancing around waiting for the bus to pick us up (Note: drinking in Amherst + wearing heels = thumbs wayyy down). We were picked up and went to Baker, where we were met with some less-than-okay news that I really cant write about here right now. Liss and I spent the next two hours in the cluster office with Zack and Travis, talking and processing and everything - the entire situation has potential to have severe backlash, and is definitely not part of my favorite parts of today. I came back to my room around 2, got ready for bed, and got a phone call from a friend who was fairly drunk (certainly moreso than I at that point), and a *2 hour* conversation ensued. I fell asleep almost immediately when I got off the phone at 4am, woke up sporadically a few times this morning, and finally dragged myself out of bed around 1:00PM.

Around 2:30, Travis and I took off for the Bookmill, this little cafe place in Montague (I think) with homework in hand. We sat and had a late lunch of scrambled egg and cheddar cheese on bagels along with the best coffee Ive ever tasted whilst reading and note-taking. I got a phone call from Carey, the new ARD, and Travis and I had good conversation and were productive.

Kyle and I were supposed to go out tonight to Raos to do some work. Travis invited me (and by extension, Kyle) to go to Panda East for some dinner and drinks. Kyle's opting to stay home (which is one of the things that keeps this from being a perfect day!) but I'm going to dinner with Travis and a few of his friends.

After dinner, Melissa wants me to come over and get drunk and play Mariokart. Yes, please.

The only bad thing about today is that I think my car wants to die again. Theres a rubbery smell when I get out of the car. It's quite upsetting. Will have to go home soon and get that fixed.

Hafta go put makeup on and get ready to go :)

Scrambled Eggs

2009-02-04T21:16:34Z

Had a meeting with Peggy today. From it, Ive garnered great life wisdom that will probably sound nuts to everyone else. The conversation, regarding my thesis, went something like this:

"Youre going to think Im a bit nuts when I say this lovey, but... youre gonna want to take February and the first part of March and write a first draft."
"Yeah, Peggy, I was planning on my target date for my first rough draft being March 11 (Wednesday before spring break"
"That sounds excellent. It doesnt have to be perfect. Just like scrambled eggs."

I think I want my entire life to be a little more like scrambled eggs.

She and I talked a lot today. I get so inspired when I talk to her. Know what else she said?

"You know, dear, if Im lucky enough to live another 10 years, I wouldnt be surprised to see you as some politician or something huge."
"Ugh. Politics are too dirty for me."
"I know, darling. Youve just got such a big personality and a way with people. You're gonna run the world someday."

These chats are good for me. I think I need them more often.

In other news, I am really really REALLY unmotivated in terms of going to the gym, but I desperately need to work it into my day-to-day routine. HALP!

SQUEE! SQUEE! SQUEE!

2008-12-19T22:19:54Z

You all know that Ive been having a craptacular semester. So, I nearly cried big fat tears of joy when I got this email, oh, 5 minutes ago:

Hi, Nicole,

I'm writing people who did extremely well on their final papers to offer congratulations. It's always nice to see hard work and careful thought pay off. Have a great holiday, and waes thu hael! Or Wassail, as they say now.

Steve Harris

I may or may not have actually shrieked out loud. This guy's opinion of me means SO MUCH. He's easily one of the most brilliant people I've ever had the pleasure of studying under, and he is very honest in his feedback. He's very prestigious within the realm of literary study... someone who has written BOOKS and ARTICLES and has a WICKED COOL JOB was impressed by my work! *faints* This makes me feel the tiniest bit guilty about not writing makeup papers for the quizzes I bombed, but the final paper was worth 35% of my grade! Though I will probably have a B or B+ in this class, I feel so accomplished, because he liked my work.

*does the happy dance of academic success*

coley630 @ 2008-12-18T12:32:00

2008-12-18T17:33:49Z

Im done.

Graduation cant come soon enough. Only 155 days until it happens.

Sleeping time.

coley630 @ 2008-12-16T17:28:00

2008-12-16T22:34:19Z

A 7-10 page paper, 3 2-page papers, a Latin exam, and a semester thesis summary separate me from freedom, glorious freedom.

Everything will be all over by 12:30 tomorrow, at the very latest. Then I'll have lunch and a bit of time to prepare

Im not intending on sleeping tonight. The Procrastination Station is open 24 hours, and I'm going to stock up on snacky food when I go to dinner. Coffee willing, I will beat this workload yet.

Note to future self: Dont ever procrastinate this bad ever again.

Ill see you after I finish this and take an epic nap.

coley630 @ 2008-12-16T01:14:00

2008-12-16T06:18:16Z

Ive had MSNBC on as backgroud noise tonight and from listening to it I can share one thought:

While I personally believe that George H.W. Bush has sucked the big one as the president of this country, I do feel sorry for him. A lot of people look at him in the media and see a monster, a tyrant. Whenever I see him on television now, I see a tired old man who knows that he will go down in history as The One Who Fucked Over America. I do think he had the best of intentions, and I think that he thought he was doing the right thing.

Dont get me wrong - Im not proud of him. I pity him. He has to live with knowing that he is perhaps one of the most hated people in America for the rest of his life.

It'll be okay, George. It'll just take years and years to undo the mess youve created.

Halp!

2008-12-14T18:03:31Z

So I'm recognizing that my f-list is all about the same age, and most (if not all?) of my regular commenters cook largely for themselves. Im on a fairly tight budget, and it would be much cheaper to buy crappy food. However, I would prefer not to. So, guys, I NEED YOUR HELP.

As with each year that has gone past (at least in recent memory), I am resolving to be healthier in 2009. I want to drop 2-3 dress sizes in 5 months (woo graduation) while working to integrate a healthier LIFESTYLE - not a diet. I am a member of Planet Fitness, and Im planning making it a point to go there 4-5x/week while swimming the other 2-3x/week at school. Im currently working to address my various body image issues and food woes (if Im going to flesh that out, it will definitely be a separate post). So it leaves me at the million dollar question.

What do you all eat??

I am looking for HEALTHY meals.

Breakfast, Ive got down - either a half of a whole-wheat bagel with light cream cheese and a piece of fruit, or a cup of fiberous cereal with some non-fat yogurt and fruit. Perhaps, for the weekends when I have more time, I'll do a small egg-white omlette with some veggies and such.

Lunch - eh. I find that it's hard to buy something and use it all before it spoils. That said, I do like a lot of things: wraps, whole-grain breads, tuna, turkey with swiss cheese, spinach/lettuce, most condiments... the only thing I refuse to eat is a tomato. I used to be into soups, but the sodium content in the canned variety scares the crap out of me, and I certainly dont have time to MAKE soups. As for "sides" with a sandwich, I was thinking baked tortilla chips with salsa, carrots w/ hummus (which I love), celery, or maybe a small salad. I dont want to over-do the dairy (ie yogurt or cheese) because Im betting that cheese will possibly make an appearance in my sandwich and yogurt for breakfast is enough in one day. How do YOU all make your salads more interesting? All Im coming up with right now is spinach, mushrooms, maybe some onion, and potentially carrots. Oh, and cucumbers.

Dinner - wtf. I dont even know how I would attempt to do this. I know that rice is cheap, and I like chicken and fish. Im trying not to eat red meat - I feel as though I get enough of it when I am at home. I would buy those SmartOnes or whatever when theyre on sale, but again the sodium content is through the roof. I am clueless when it comes to stirfrys, but am not opposed to making them. I will not eat canned vegetables because I hate the taste of them - Id much rather have frozen. So ANY suggestions about what dinners I could easily make would be really, really highly appreciated.

And snacks. Because those are my problem spot. What snacks work well for you guys in terms of staving off hunger?

Ahh epic post. Thanks for your help!

Writer's Block: Full Moon Fever

2008-12-12T23:47:56Z

It's the full moon today. Almost every culture has its share of lunar lore, from werewolves to lunacy to true love. Do you believe that the full moon affects our behavior or do you think it's a myth?

View 501 Answers

If studying psychology has taught me one thing, it is that correlation =/= causation. Just because people get a little "loony" so to speak, doesnt mean that they are governed by the cycles of the moon.

But it certainly is fun to think about :)

coley630 @ 2008-12-12T15:55:00

2008-12-12T20:56:01Z

Got rejected from the writing class I applied to. Guess I was never much of a novelist anyway.

Recurring Nightmare

2008-11-30T15:43:30Z

I keep having this recurring dream about school. It happens probably once every week or so. The details are never the same, but the overall idea of it is. I had it last night and it was so intensified that I had a crappy night's sleep and I just wish I could be anxiety-free regarding classes, because that would make it all go away.

Last night I dreamed that I was perpetually late to class. Now, if there is one thing I cannot stand, it is walking into a classroom when the professor has already started lecturing. I think it's rather embarassing and I hate having the attention be on me. But that's only half of it. In my dream, I was taking an upper-level math class and a history class, but I didnt know I was taking them. Apparently I only showed up for the midterm. There were people there from all parts of my life - Lauren Seliga was there, Ashley & Corrie's Greg (weird, I know), Emily Roy (who I was never really close with, and havent seen since high school graduation), Julianne Houghton (I went to *elementary school* with her, and havent seen her since high school as well), some of my old residents, etc. The math professor was handing out sudoku puzzles as a "treat" after our exceptionally hard midterm, which I was worried about. When she was handing them out, she gave me one with letters on it instead, saying that "numbers just apparently dont suit your needs". She wouldnt tell me how I did, but I did horribly. Then she started teaching the lesson in French. I dont speak French. WTF. As for the history class, I didnt know when to go to it, but I knew that it was in a stadium - literally. And that I had a huge exam the next day, but didnt know all of the material. Awesome.

This was in addition to the classes I have now, like Latin, which Simon was teaching in a garden or something ridiculous like that. And Learning & Thinking? Took place somewhere near a swimming pool, where it was murky like a pond. The pool was a popular place to hang out. In fact, there was a lot of water in this dream. I dont know what that means. I was also romantically rejected by someone (random guy in my dream), but really, it didnt play into the dream much at all.

In conclusion: I'm nuts, and I need to graduate NOW

Meaningful Update

2008-11-27T04:51:51Z

So I figure I havent written anything super meaningful here for a while, so I'm gonna attempt it. Perhaps a list of salient bullet points will help:

- Im not going to grad school right away. This is a decision that I made a while back, right before I was to take the GREs. I wasn't prepared, and I didnt want to throw away my chances of getting into a wonderful program on account of crappy-to-mediocre scores. Well, that was only one of the reasons. The other is...

-I have no idea what I'm doing in life! Surprise! Im not quite sure about the English thing anymore. I know, I know... I change my mind more often than anyone else I know. At least I'm consistent in that, though. As in, I've cycled back to wanting to be a psychologist. I understand that I need to get myself sorted out personally before that happens, but I have fallen back in love with the discipline. I have come to terms with the fact that, in most any job, there are going to be facets that really don't thrill you initially, and maybe never will. For me, that's research. I'd rather be working with people in the community than stuck in a lab. But you know what? I have never given research a fair chance. My Research Methods lab TA was a royal bitch, and that's the most experience I have related to research. It turned me off to the discipline so much. But, I realized - that's like reading William Faulkner and proclaiming that I hate English Literature. I feel as though I can make a difference in the world this way. And that's what I'm planning on doing.

-The economy scares the crap out of me. I'm just intending on applying for every conceivable job/paid internship opportunity that I am (a) qualified for and (b) able to get my hands on. So far I am applying to camp for the summer (sort of a last resort at this point, but it's something I love... just not permenant enough to be a priority for me right now); a program called Wediko which is a residential summer facility with opportunities for post-summer employment; several internships at hospitals and group homes in the area; and whatever I find in my English Career exploration class. I really, really want a psychology-related job, but I would settle for just doing some volunteer research work (aka being some psychologist's bitch) so that I can get experience.

-I am potentially taking only 2-3 real classes next semester, with a crapload of Research Assistant/Teaching Assistant/Thesis opportunities attached. I never thought I'd say this - but the idea of spending only a few hours each day in a classroom setting is thrilling and makes me feel like I'm doing something productive.

-I have come to the realization that I need to slow down and breathe.

-I joined a gym. I need to kick my ass into gear and go every day. But, Monday I went and "ran" on the elliptical for 46 minutes. Damn it felt good. I just wish Planet Fitness had a pool. That would be ideal, because I've been dying for a swim.

-Almost done Christmas shopping. I still have to buy for Poppy and Mom & Dad. And I have a shitload of knitting/crocheting to do in the next 3 weeks.

-This semester has been ridiculously stressful.

-I am a complete free agent. I am not super-interested in anyone right now. It's time for me to be a little bit (or a lot) self-absorbed and work on myself before I go chasing anyone else. It'll make me more desireable when things eventually do happen. I mean, there are certainly very few people in my life that I would consider even seeing right now - one that will never in a million years happen because of the position he and I are currently in - besides, I am almost a million percent sure he doesnt look at me in that light; and the second one isnt really "in" my life, he's someone I met once through a friend who wants to formally re-introduce us and let things happen as they will. I met him once, briefly, and he was a very nice guy, and she seems to think that he and I would get along famously. We're planning on hanging out together over winter break. I'm just looking at this as an opportunity for friendship, though. I'm done putting myself out there just to get hurt.

-I'm begining to realize there are pieces of me that are so close and personal that I didnt even realize how huge and scary they were until recently. Now I'm scared to talk about them and give them up to other people because, no matter how horrible and painful they are, they are mine and only mine.

-Went to Mohegan Sun for the first time. It was ok, but I lost $15. Gambling just isnt my deal.

-I realized that I'm not that thrilled with drinking anymore. I'm thinking that the occasional mixed drink or Guiness is all I care to indulge in. 'Cause that shit is mad expensive.

-Contemplating going back to church; might do that this Sunday. Church around Christmastime is magical in its quiet, comforting way. I went to a mass that was said in honor of my step-grandmother the other day, and it felt nicer than I thought it would. Perhaps it was the familiarity of the Catholic mass, though I think this is something that requires a bit more investigating.

-My supervisor (the ARD) is amazing. I heard from someone today that she is leaving her position after this semester. This makes me pretty sad, but I know that she is doing it because a wonderful opportunity came up for her. I wonder when she is going to tell me herself. She and I are pretty close, and she's been helping me with a lot of stuff that I cant handle alone, lately. I figure she hasnt said anything because Ive been emotionally and mentally all over the place, and I respect that. I sort of just wish I had heard it from her first, though.

-I spend so much time in the library this semester that my residents from last year tagged a picture of the library on facebook as me. Har har, guys. It's a sad truth.

-My sister Christine is in jail again. I dont remember if I wrote about that. I also found out over the weekend that her boyfriend, Mike, died. They had been together for almost a year. It's really hard for me to comprehend that - he was 34. I was told that it was an overdose that killed him. That's so scary, and I'm not quite sure if I have completely wrapped my head around it. Dont do drugs, kids.

Ending on a positive note: I am now home for 4 days. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, Friday I might be getting a new phone, and Saturday I am just going to chill out. I have a long to-do list that I want to accomplish (updating LJ is one more thing ticked off my list - wooo).

Chris just IMed me. I hope he and I get closer as friends. He was a resident in Butterfield on the floor above me last year, and lives in Baker now. We havent talked in forever - this is a nice change.

coley630 @ 2008-11-25T22:39:00

2008-11-26T03:48:37Z

Well that ship has sailed. Back to the drawing board.

coley630 @ 2008-11-25T09:16:00

2008-11-25T14:26:12Z

Apparently I dragged myself out of bed after a fitful, restless 5 hours' worth of sleep for one of my indirect supervisors to totally blow me off. She was supposed to bring breakfast (strawberry smoothie) and we were supposed to discuss how to facilitate a dialogue (she is studying this in graduate school).

This is not a good way to start off a busy day.

coley630 @ 2008-11-21T08:18:00

2008-11-21T13:23:55Z

I am having a bit of a nuclear meltdown. The only test Im going to pass today is my Latin exam, because it's painfully easy. Old English quiz will fuck me over, as usual, and who the hell knows about Learning & Thinking. Dont even get me started on thesis stuff, it just makes me want to vomit and cry and gives me so much anxiety that I dont know what to do.

Looking at my study guides makes me want to scream and cry. I want SO BADLY to be done with school. Not just for the week, not just for the semester -- forever... or at least for a few years. Yeah, I probably will go on to get my masters or my PhD, but I just *cant* keep doing this. Im ruining myself. I want to have time to go to the gym and hang out with my friends *without* worrying about the mess of work that I have looming over me. Im so sick of the stress, the rigor, the expectations - both self-imposed and external. SOMETHING has to give, but I dont know what.

My stomach is in knots, I feel like Im going to throw up. This is not natural or OK. I just wish someone could make the anxiety go away so I could be a normal 21 year old instead of some ridiculous caricature of myself.

coley630 @ 2008-11-04T15:47:00

2008-11-04T20:50:45Z

Im hoping that, in 20 years, when my children are reading their history books, they will ask me about today. I hope that they will ask me how it felt to be alive when such a refreshing, beautiful day of change occurred in America. Or what it felt like to have voted in the election that will hopefully usher in the first black president. This is the first Presidential election in which I have legally been able to vote, and I couldnt be more excited and optimistic.

Im turning on the TV in a while, and Im going to listen until we have a new president.